THE OLD MAN & THE SCENE: The Armed, Saint Vitus Bar, Brooklyn, NY

I caught The Armed at Saint Vitus Bar in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.

Who are The Armed, and why should you care? The Armed are the most incendiary band in extreme music at the moment. 

Best hugs in the business.

Five things that happen at a The Armed show:

First, several men in ghillie suits set up a folding table in the middle of the floor and unpack a chinese food dinner with bottles of pink champagne. For the uninitiated, Ghillie suits are full body costumes that make a person look like a plant. The Ghillie Men will heretofore be called Swampmonsters.

The finest of drink and cuisine.

Second, you may notice an awful lot of lights. Like an absurd amount of lights and think "fuck me, that's a lot of lights." You're absolutely correct. It is far too many lights. Just go with it.

Third, in addition to the swampmonsters eating chinese food and toasting with pink champagne there are 8 people in the band. Be cool. Just go with it.

Smoke and light. Get used to it.

Fourth, a large man will give you a hug. It will be a beautiful moment. Go with it. This is going to happen a lot.

Fifth, and most importantly. The room will fill with too much smoke, too many people will be screaming at once, too many lights will flash, bodies will fly, and you will have the best night ever.

Contain yourselves.

The Armed have shows that can be described best as a "self contained riot." The members of the band are on the stage and in the crowd, and on top of the crowd. It's a full room experience with the audience holding the mic cord above the fray so that a beautiful viking can wander freely in an effort to deliver a sweaty, whirling serenade to each and every person in attendance.

Who is in The Armed? It doesn't matter, no one knows, and they aren't saying. 

They've released 2 full length albums, both full of explosive chaotic hardcore that also defy those terms. Only Love is their most recent full length effort and it is a slapper. The live shows are full sensory experiences that take the art seriously. Especially when it's very silly. 

Like, how they made Frank Turner very mad recently.

More lights!

I attempted to buy a t-shirt as a souvenir. There was one t-shirt for sale. Not one style. One shirt. It was XXX-L, had been custom made and recently printed. The ink may have still been wet. 

Everything about The Armed is one of a kind.

Catch them on tour now.

I’m finished.

PS- The Swampmonsters will share their food and Pink Champagne. They will also ‘surprise hug’ you throughout the event.

Danzig Does Things

Glenn Danzig shopping for a Mother's Day card

Glenn Danzig stepping in dog shit on the street, then getting into his car, and realizing it when it's too late

Glenn Danzig taking up 2 seats on the train

Glenn Danzig putting out a bowl of andes mints for guests

Glenn Danzig over prunes his hedges.

Glenn Danzig rearranges his furniture for a dinner party to promote conversation and no one notices.

Glenn Danzig runs out of hair product

Glenn Danzig washes his car and it rains.

Glenn Danzig bags his own groceries and puts the milk on top of the eggs

Glenn Danzig turns on the radio, and every station is playing Adele and he LOVES it

Glenn Danzig searching his grocer's freezer for the milk that won't go bad for a month.

Glenn Danzig listening to Gordon Lightfoot while he builds himself a rocking chair

Glenn Danzig crying when Bambi's mom dies.

Glenn Danzig NOT laughing when that guy hits the propeller in Titanic.

Glenn Danzig waiting for assistance from a store clerk at a self check-out line at the grocery store

Glenn Danzig re-vacuuming his living room because of the lines.

Glenn Danzig enjoying some tea and a Jane Austen book.

Glenn Danzig volunteering as the activities coordinator at a nursing home

Glenn Danzig disappointed he didn't get a job as a greeter at Wal-Mart

Glenn Danzig has something between his teeth and nobody tells him... he notices later that day when he goes to the bathroom ..is then angry because he feels he smiled extra that day

Glenn Danzig getting choked up because of a Publix holiday commercial

Glenn Danzig hears Sarah MClaughlin come on the tv from the other room and runs in screaming NO NO NO NO and changes the channel.

Glenn Danzig walking down a busy sidewalk ... realizes he's going the wrong way, and does the "check my watch or phone, so people don't think I'm a weirdo when I turn around and start walking the other way"

Glenn Danzig antiquing in Vermont.

Glenn Danzig going apple picking and being really satisfied about it.

Glenn Danzig tying his boots, notices one lace is waaay longer than the other and decides to just not get out of bed.

Glenn Danzig put's on a paisely button down, smiles, sighs, takes it off and puts on a black t-shirt.

Glenn Danzig wearing nylon basket ball shorts and an old t-shirt from a beer promotion thing..because it's laundry day

Glenn Danzig only finding one flipflop on beach day

Glenn Danzig getting duped by one of those fake $100 dollar bills that ends up being a religious thing

Glenn Danzig doesn't have room at the chinese buffet for ice cream because he filled up on shrimp.

Glenn Danzig getting mad at a sushi restaurant because he can't use the chopsticks

Glenn Danzig not being tall enough to ride a rollercoaster Subsequently makes a wish to be big at a gypsy fortune telling machine

Glenn Danzig forgetting to add the fabric softener

Glenn Danzig smacking his lips and saying "AHH!" after every sip.

Glenn Danzig trying to get a squirrel to come to him

Glenn Danzig giving himself a pep talk in the mirror before getting a shot at the doctor

Glenn Danzig getting swarmed by butterflies

Glenn Danzig walks into a spider web...freaks out

Glenn Danzig and Tom Cruise meet each says "I thought you'd be taller"

Glenn Danzig meets DMX... secretly glad he's taller adds his name to the "List of People That I am Taller Than"

Glenn Danzig squeezing avocados at the grocery store and getting visibly frustrated that they're all too hard.

Glenn Danzig triumphant that he sang along with "We Didn't Start The Fire" and got all the words right

Glenn Danzig humming along with Kenny G in an elevator

Glenn Danzig counting chews on each side of his mouth before swallowing.

Glenn Danzig embarrassingly walking to the counter after the airline ticket agent calls for "GLENN DANCING" over the intercom.

Glenn Danzig making a Mama Celeste French Bread Pizza for one and watching Lifetime.

Glenn Danzig tries to play "Bloody Mary" in the bathroom mirror..gets scared and turns on the light before he says it for the third time

Glenn Danzig walking down the hallway to his bedroom at night..gets scared that something is following him...runs the rest of the way

Glenn Danzig makes little hats for cats and sells them at the flea market.

Glenn Danzig asks for Splenda

Glenn Danzig eats grapefruit without squirting himself, considers it a moral victory.

Glenn Danzig having to explain to a friend at breakfast that he can't have citrus just yet, because he just brushed his teeth

Glenn Danzig swimming with a t-shirt on

Glenn Danzig's shower curtain isn't on right and his bathmat is all wet.

Glenn Danzig giving himself a shampoo mohawk in the shower

Glenn Danzig is out first in dodgeball.

Glenn Danzig getting peanut butter stuck to the roof of his mouth.

Glenn Danzig burning the roof of his mouth on frozen pizza, can't stop tonguing the little flaps of skin.

Glenn Danzig drops ice-cream cone on first lick.

Glenn Danzig makes his dad watch him dive. He jumps in feet first.

Glenn Danzig leaves his shopping list on the fridge.

Glenn Danzig can't find his sunglasses, on his head the whole time.

Glenn Danzig's souffle deflates.

Glenn Danzig getting deodorant on his shirt.. is already running late

Glenn Danzig can't get the soda machine to accept his wrinkly dollar.

Glenn Danzig remembers why he doesn't like salt-water taffy.

Glenn Danzig takes a bite from a cheeseburger and gets mustard on his shirt.

Glenn Danzig holding his breath when he drives past a cemetary.

Glenn Danzig getting frustrated when he dies in Ninja Gaiden

Glenn Danzig admitting he has never seen The Godfather.

Glenn Danzig deciding to be polite by holding a door for somebody who is too far away for it to make sense

Glenn Danzig makes ALL of the forever alone posts on the internet.

Glenn Danzig discovers an internet meme 6 months after it's funny

Glenn Danzig gets embarrassed and coughs or pretends to text on his phone while a sex scene comes on during a movie he's watching with his parents

Glenn Danzig is wearing pleated pants and has to explain he doesn't have an erection.

Glenn Danzig is busted by a female coworker while looking up "micropenis" on the internet.

Glenn Danzig is in a crowded elevator and gets a joke someone told him a long time ago.

Glenn Danzig is on a crowded bus and farts and the person sitting next to him gets blamed.

Glenn Danzig tries using an expired coupon.

Glenn Danzig accidentally spits on the face of somebody he is talking excitedly to

Glenn Danzig tries to rip a page out of a notebook and tears off a corner.

Glenn Danzig drops a coin between his seat and the console and does that little pinchy thing to try and get it.

Glenn Danzig rubbing a perfume sample from a magazine onto his wrists

Glenn Danzig tries to lean forward suddenly in the car and his seatbelt tenses

Glenn Danzig gives himself the wink and the gun in the mirror before an OkCupid date.

Glenn Danzig high fives everyone for everything.

Glenn Danzig could only watch Requiem For a Dream once

Glenn Danzig gets way too excited about having exact change in the drive thru.

Glenn Danzig gets nervous at the ATM, because there is a line forming behind him..enters his PIN in wrong too many times, and his card gets eaten

Glenn Danzig hears a noise while he is driving, takes in his car and when he is there it stops making the noise.

Glenn Danzig can't finish The Shining.

Glenn Danzig turns off Moulin Rouge 5 minutes before the end, because that way, Satine and Christian end up together and she doesn't die from tuberculosis

Glenn Danzig is at the gym and someone else has the dumbbells he was going to use, so rather than ask him for them he uses the next size up and they're too heavy but he tries anyway and strains himself badly

Glenn Danzig accidentally sends a sext to his mother

Glenn Danzig learns Santa Claus isn't real.

It's Christmas Eve and Glenn Danzig can't sleep